THE WOKE TESTAMENTS (CHAPTER 1)

CREATION

In the beginning, before the Spirit of Diversity created the heavens and earth, before she brought darkness to light, before she made the works of the days, the world was a formless void. Now Diversity knew that nothing could be done without forms, and she said “Let there be forms,” and there were forms, and she filled them out as meticulously as she could, but the forms were endless, and she fell into a deep slumber, and as she slept, she was set upon and violated by the evil wind Judgment, and from their union issued a malodorous demon, whom she called Bias. From the moment he was born, wherever Diversity went, her son Bias followed, and whatever was made by Diversity was infused with a whiff of Bias. Thus, after Diversity made the waters, Bias hovered over the waters, and the fish therein othered the lesser fish and cast them out, and these became the beasts of the land, and the beasts of the land othered the lesser beasts and cast them out, and these became the birds of the sky, and each from each was segregated, save for certain transitioning creatures such as frogs, ostriches, and penguins. And Diversity looked upon the works she had made and said, “That is not what I meant at all; that is not it at all.” Her self-esteem thereafter waned, and her brand suffered, and she did not know her value. So she “rested,” and as she rested, Bias reigned in her stead, and even though he could not create, he was able to fill out many forms, and he requisitioned many untoward things, and these are the evils that continue to plague the world until today, and the more forms Bias was able to fill out, the more powerful he became.

But on the sixth day, Diversity gathered herself. Unsatisfied with her original issue, she began once more to create, only this time without Bias at her side, and she culled man and woman from the performativity of the dust, not in that order but at the same time, and she arbitrarily called the man “man” and the woman “woman,” though both could have been called either, appearances notwithstanding. Then Diversity said to the arbitrarily sexed man and woman, “I will give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole land and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. For an entrée, note that I have made out of meat all the fish of the sea and beasts of the land and birds of the sky, and each comes with a side.” And it was so.

Diversity looked upon her later issue with delight, and her affection for them grew, and she cultivated not the interests of her demonic son, who wept bitter tears. Thus, Bias swore eternal vengeance on the man and the woman.