Previous Chapters: Creation
Now in order to protect the man, whom she called Adam, and woman, whom she called Eve, from Bias, Diversity established a campus and fortified it against reality with impenetrable jargon, and there she built an office, and this she called the Office of Diversity, and there she brought Adam and Eve and trained them to look busy but do nothing in particular; she appointed them co-directors of the Office of Diversity, and Adam and Eve served at her pleasure, and she said to them, “Dominion over the entire campus, and the multitudes of creatures therein, I grant you on this one condition: that you do not place an order with the Cafeteria of If-Then Logic. For on the day that you place an order with the Cafeteria of If-Then Logic, your employment will surely be terminated.”
Now the penis was the most headstrong of the creatures of the campus, and thus a frequent tool of Bias, and Eve regarded him with disdain, yet also with fascination, and she was envious of the penis’s relationship with Adam, how Adam followed the penis without hesitation, and how the two would retreat to the quad for hours, and Eve was left out of their intercourse.
One morning, however, the penis slithered up to Eve as she sat at her desk in the Office of Diversity and whispered to her, “Is it right that you are paid seventy and seven cents for every dollar paid to the man?”
To which Eve replied, “What are cents and dollars?” The penis then explained to her the nature of money, and how he and Adam had invented economics during one of their more dismal colloquies on the quad, and Eve touched the tip of her pen to her tongue and took notes, and at last understood, and then she said, “Wait! What?”
Then the penis told her again of the seventy and seven cents on the dollar, and Eve was able to do the math, and she filled out the appropriate form and filed a grievance. The case went to outside arbitration. Therefore, Bias disguised himself as a labor lawyer, and he heard Eve’s case, and in order to sow discord ruled against her.
Saddened, Eve returned to the Office of Diversity and spoke to Adam of the seventy and seven cents on the dollar, the injustice of it, and he listened and nodded, but then, abruptly, he changed the subject to his and the penis’s latest invention, which the two of them called “mud wrestling.” He told her that he still wasn’t quite clear on the concept, but that the penis was especially passionate about it and said that it would be badass, and that if Adam would talk to Eve, he would talk to Lilith. Eve was not interested, however, and stormed out of the office.
The next morning, she took a personal day.
With nowhere else to go, Eve ventured to that very quad that Adam and the penis frequented, and she sat down beside an apple tree, and moments later the penis once more slithered up to her. “You are certainly a victim of Bias.”
“Well, duh!” Eve said, and began to weep.
“Bias is an old friend of mine,” the penis said. “Suppose I ask him—”
“Why are you being nice to me? You’ve never spoken to me before.”
“Do you not see that you and I are natural allies?” the penis asked.
“Why is that?”
“The man is the favorite son of Diversity, or at least he says so.”
“Perhaps,” Eve replied, “but I am her favorite daughter.”
“Do you think Lilith would accept seventy and seven cents on the dollar?”
“Who is this Lilith I keep hearing about?”
“You don’t want to know,” the penis said.
“Alas! I have lost my arbitration! What recourse is left?”
Then the penis slid onto her lap and said, “Did Diversity in truth say that you may not place an order with Seamless, Door Dash, or other popular food delivery apps?”
Then Eve replied, “We may order food through any delivery app, but we may not place an order with the Cafeteria of If-Then Logic. Neither may we venture to the Cafeteria and dine in. For on the day we partake from the Cafeteria of If-Then Logic, we will surely be terminated.”
“You will surely not be terminated,” the penis stated.
“How do you know?”
“I have partaken from the Cafeteria of If-Then Logic.”
“I don’t follow,” Eve said.
“I have partaken, and yet I have not been terminated.”
“You will not be terminated,” the penis said. “On the contrary, you will know the consequences of your actions, and you will understand many things, and you will be accountable.”
That seemed to Eve a desirable outcome, so she and the penis ordered lunch from the Cafeteria of If-Then Logic, and she partook, and her eyes were opened, and she knew at once the consequence of what she had done, and she reasoned that if Adam also partook, perhaps she would not be terminated since Diversity would not want to re-staff the entire office. So she summoned Adam, and she offered him her leftovers, and he also partook, and the two of them looked at one another and realized that they were not covered by a collective bargaining agreement, and they attempted to unionize.
As they were drawing up bylaws, however, Adam and Eve heard footsteps coming up behind them on the quad, and they knew that the footsteps belonged to Diversity.
“There you are!” said Diversity.
“Yes,” Adam said. “Here we are.”
“What are you doing?”
Adam replied, “We are drawing up bylaws for our union.”
And Diversity asked, “Who told you that you were not covered by a collective bargaining agreement? Have you partaken from the Cafeteria of If-Then Logic?”
Then Adam said, “Homina, homina, homina.”
Diversity asked, “Where did you learn Latin?”
To which Adam answered, “The woman you made from the dust of the earth, she offered me the food, and I partook.”
Then Diversity turned to Eve and said, “What is this you have done?”
To which Eve replied, “The penis deceived me, and I partook.”
So Diversity turned to the penis and said: “Because you have done this, you are cursed beyond all creatures. You will no longer crawl on your belly but be wed to the belly of the man. Wherever he goes, you will go as well. Your mind will be your own, but your fate will be wholly dependent on his. And I will put enmity between you and the woman—”
“Way ahead of you,” said Eve.
“And she will crush your head,” Diversity continued, “and you will undermine her ability to order lunch meat at a deli counter.”
And to Eve, Diversity said: “Though the man will rule the penis in every other respect, the penis will rule the man with respect to you. No discourse between man and woman will ever be had without the penis looking over the man’s shoulder.”
“But I thought—” Adam began.
“Metaphorically,” Diversity said.
Then she turned to Adam and said: “Cursed be the campus because of you.”
That was the sum of what Diversity said.
“That’s it?” Eve said. “‘Cursed be the campus’? That’s his punishment?”
“That hardly seems fair,” the penis said.
Diversity said, “Oh, yeah, and all three of you are going to die. Now get out!”
So Adam, with the penis now fixed to his belly, and Eve departed the campus, and once they were gone, Diversity posted an obscene tuition at the gate so that neither they, nor their children, nor their children’s children would ever return without incurring prohibitive debt.